“My Name Is Jennifer and I am an…”
“No thank you, I don’t drink.”
“Oh, like as in AA?” My colleague Marta asked. “Are you an alcoholic?”
I am not sure why boxes are so difficult for me. I remember my first Managing Broker at a big box real estate firm calling me a “Mom Realtor” in my exit interview. It infuriated me, even though my most precious accomplishment is parenting. I am not eager to raise my hand and explain my sexual identity. Recently someone called me a healer. Nope. Please don’t. I once smoked, but do not call myself a smokaholic, nor do I identify myself as a “recovered smoker.” I have ADHD, but I am not ADHD. Semantics matter to me, and I want to be free to be as I am and not have to explain myself.
The word alcoholic was something I wrestled with for years, and this kept me from stopping drinking. In my brain, I didn’t have to stop unless I met criteria that might include crashing my car, losing my job, losing a relationship, and liver failure. Nowhere on that list was intense self-hatred, disconnection from myself, a life on mute, an explosive marriage or feelings of futility. I had become accustomed to those being the norm.
Today, I don’t know how to advertise my yoga classes. Sometimes people come apologizing that they aren’t in recovery, or feeling that their “ism” isn’t extreme enough to belong in a recovery group. I get it. I say again and again: “You don’t have to qualify your belonging”. You don’t have to identify with your “thing”. Whether it is substance use, grief, neurodiversity, an incorrect gender assignment at birth, suicidal ideation, abuse, injustice, codependency, an addiction to love, sex, work or control, you can just show up. Whether you perceive yourself as failing or winning in your recovery you can come. If you have a lot of recovery experience and time you can come, and if you had a slip or relapse you can come. If you are drunk or high on the day of class, please wait until tomorrow, then come. You don’t even have to know deep down inside that you want to stop binging and purging, drinking, smoking or whatever. You don’t have to be at rock bottom. You can even be, ahem, joyful. You don’t have to shout anything from a rooftop to participate. I don’t know what to call this yoga class I teach, so I say recovery.
If you read the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, a text about mental health, it sure sounds to me that we are all in some form of recovery. The difference between many more traditional recovery programs and YOGA is this: In a traditional model, you say that you are a (whatever it is you are seeking recovery from) meaning you have to know what you are. Yoga is about the intentional uncovering of our highest self. That self that might be hidden just outside of your view. Figuring it out is a part of yoga. It’s the point. You don’t have to know if you will stop (fill in the blanks) forever. In yoga, this is called Svadhyaya, or self-study. You can use yoga to explore your inner wilderness and see what you find. Yoga invites us to discover who we are, without attachment.
One thing I feel like shouting from the rooftops is how peaceful and hopeful I feel when I practice moving my body, study yoga philosophy, meditate, sing and gather in community with others doing the same. The self-hatred has cleared, and I have bouts of deep connection to myself and our community. The colour of my life is rich and deep (sometimes the feeling is too, yikes). It is so helpful to have the loving support of others in those times. All you have to know to come to our FREE Sunday Yoga classes is a willingness to heal your relationship with yourself. So, call yourself what you like, and show up if you want to see what this feels like for yourself.
Jennifer Lebedoff, The Elder Flower
